i’m scared too, by the way.
the avoidant in me wants to shut you out, run the other way, tell you i need space—time to be alone with my thoughts, by myself, independent.
but…
just the thought alone, of closing that door, not knowing if you’d still be on the other side waiting for me when i open it—that scares me too.
not that you’d have to be waiting for me on the other side of that door, by the way.
i would never expect you to be standing there, unmoved.
maybe you’re deeper in the room, sitting on our couch, reading a book from our ever-growing library. there’s a vinyl on the record player, the speakers loud enough for the music to travel faintly through the halls of our home.
maybe that’s what i come home to, when i find myself lost in you.
a sense of being able to leave, determined to find and ground myself again, confident that you’d do the same for yourself. a knowing that we’d both be just fine on our own, but the smile on our faces when the other person is around says it all.
a simple “hey you”, as you look up from your book and smile at me. i walk over as you begin to open your arms for me to enter your space, like two planets orbiting each other once again. life is better when we’re together.
this is new for me (and a little scary). to love out loud. to love loudly.
i’m scared. of course i’m afraid of heartbreak, but that doesn’t mean i believe you would hurt me.
i have to remind myself that my fears are mine alone, and that i shouldn’t project them onto you. my fears are not you. that’s what i tell myself, anyway, to stay secure and grounded. you have shown me nothing to believe otherwise.
so i guess that’s why i still choose to share this with you—my vulnerability, my heart, and most importantly, the thoughts i normally would keep stuck like a lump inside my throat.
i want to be able to love loudly. i want to be able to love truthfully. thank you for giving me the opportunity to try something uncomfortable, in hopes that with time, it’ll become something i’m comfortable with—something as beautiful as how i feel about you.
i left this page blank for a few days. i couldn’t seem to put my thoughts down, pen to paper. i knew i wanted to write how i feel—to let you into my mind—but that thought alone made me anxious, because i knew this would make it real.
i needed to sit with that feeling for a bit, to figure out why.
here’s what i ultimately came up with: honestly, there are so many things i want to tell you. so many things i want to know. so many things i want to ask you. so many unfiltered conversations i have in my head.
i hope this counts as a pretty good start.
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